Crossroads

I feel as though I may have just recently made it through (over?) a crossroads that I was not even aware I was on.  Having had Brielle in my (late) twenties, I was still able to maintain a moderately social lifestyle.  Hence the keg stands I did at her 1st Birthday party.  I still had tons of friends with no kids...many not even married.  I went out a lot and still had a decent amount of time to focus on myself.  Things definitely slowed down even more after having Camryn, but still, I managed to keep a decent balance of social life ("me time") and parenthood.  Now, I am not sure if things have just changed because of having a third child or if it's because the other ones are now doing stuff that requires more of a schedule outside of the house.  Or, because I am 34 now?  I really don't know.  What I do know is that I have recently realized and accepted that I am now a Mom.  Like, a full-fledged Mom.  You'd think getting a mini-van would have been the light bulb moment for me, but it wasn't.  I embraced my mini-van the same way I did skinny jeans.  Wasn't 100% confident about it, but just did it and didn't look back.  Anyway, I think I may have been at a crossroads for a long time trying to figure out who I am.  I guess I was just moving very slowly....very direct and decisive, but just moved slowly through a very big intersection. 

I've made it past and I like this side of things.  It's all about perspective.  I used to keep my fingers and toes beautifully polished.  Working out was never even an option.  When I was invited any place for any social engagement, I rarely declined.  I NEVER left the house without mascara.  I'm not a very high maintenance girl...he-hem...I mean WOMAN, but I had some things that were just non-negotiables.  I'm not a slob now, but let's just say my nails are almost always bare and my mascara lasts a looooong time.  I have realized that exercising is only going to get done if I create the time to do it, which means 5:30 a.m.  And 5:30 a.m. never used to be that bad to me, but now that I go to bed totally exhausted, 5:30 a.m. hurts.  After a week of it, I did get used to it thankfully.

Every now and then I get the itch to do something out and about sans kids.  Girls night....a relaxing few hours at the bar....a shopping spree....anything.  Yet, I find that every time I do anything, a little goes a looooooooong way.  I'm cool with just two glasses of wine now.  After the mall or Target or any type of shopping, I start to just yearn for my home and my kids.  Even though between 3:15 pm (when Brielle gets off the bus) and 7:30pm (when the kids go to bed) are the craziest freaking hours of my day....I've grown to love them.  I love my kids, but those are trying hours.  Especially when we have to be some place for a practice.  Someone is always whining, crying, fighting or pooping.  There is always that challenge of cooking something that everyone will eat for dinner, too.  I used to have two friends that would always call me around 3:30  / 4pm to check in. I have noticed they have stopped calling me at that time because I'm sure they grew tired of hearing me scream at the kids in the background. 

When I was out last weekend with a few girlfriends, one girl that I used to hang out with a lot told me, "Three changed you."  That hit me hard, but I was not offended.  After I pondered the comment for a few days, I decided that I loved it.  She is right.  I have changed and it feels great.  It's not even anything majorly significant or different.  It's just a new mindset.  A new acceptance.  Being a Mom is such a privilege and honor and all I really want to do is be a really good one.  I'm shaping people over here and it is not a job to be taken lightly!

I'm totally okay that my Saturday morning trip to the grocery store (alone) feels like free time.  I'll obviously still try to maintain a basic level of cool, but I think my Forever 21 days will have to be just a fond memory.  I'm also pretty certain these are the years I am going to miss most when I get old.